I could depend on it; and it never let me down. No matter what happened during the day, or night, no matter how badly things went, or well, I knew things would end up the same way, me, floating on a cloud of inebriation. I used to convince myself that the level of intoxication that I found most comfortable was simply my genetic makeup letting me know it was okay to achieve it. The fact that I was only comfortable until well after I became intoxicated was irrelevant, I truly believed that I deserved the escape that I had the option of providing for myself.
Now that my thinking has cleared considerably; 18 years of sobriety helped achieve that, I am able to see just how odd my behavior was. A “level of intoxication” is probably the most ridiculous phrase I ever invented. There was no adequate level of intoxication; there was just good old fashioned drunkenness.
An active alcoholic can actually believe that he has control over the substance that he craves, but he most certainly does not.
Little head games we play allow us the luxury to avoid the truth; we drink. We drink a lot. We drink too much. And every one of us knows it.
I knew it, and also knew that I did not want to live without it. It was my adult sized security blanket. No matter what happened during the day, and things do happen to alcoholics just like everybody else, I knew that by day’s end any pain, guilt, joy, disappointment, sorrow or regret would be wrapped up in a neat little package that always felt the same. Numb. I was able to cope with the crippling feelings brought on by my behaviors be making them go away. Every night, night after night.
The greatest gift an idiot can give to himself is a spark of hope. Hope may come to those who wait patiently, or drunkenly, but many lives have been wasted waiting for it. Hope is readily available to all who want it; the secret is to take want a step further, and to seek it. The first step toward finding hope is by opening ourselves up to the possibility that we deserve a chance of tasting it. And the most effective way for us to feel it is by talking to another person who understands even a tiny bit of what we experience.
Casting away the chains that bind us, hitting the throttle wide open and finally experiencing the life we imagine, free of addiction is not only possible, with the proper help, it is obtainable.
No sense waiting for it to happen, daylight is burning, and there is a lot of life to be lived.